The lingo
Swinging Terms: Speak the Lingo Like a Regular
Soft swap, same room, unicorn, bull, hotwife and the rest, in plain words you can use on a profile.
Learn the lingo before you need it
Swingers have a vocabulary of their own, and turning up without it is like arriving at a dinner where everyone speaks in dialect. Each word below gets a sentence or two, nothing graphic.
Meanings shift a little from group to group, so read each one as the common sense of the word. When a profile uses a term you don't recognise, ask. Nobody minds.
How far you go: the swap words
Soft swap
Playing with someone new while keeping full sex off the menu. Couples agree the limit in advance, and it often means kissing and touching only.
Full swap
Full sex with someone other than your partner, agreed by both of you beforehand, along with the practical details such as protection and rooms.
Same room
Everyone stays together in one room, so each partner can see and hear the other. Couples who like to stay close often prefer it.
Separate room
Each pair takes a room of its own and nobody watches. It suits couples who want privacy.
Couple swap
Two couples trade partners for part or all of an evening. It is the classic picture of swinging.
Threesome and foursome
One occasion with three people, usually a couple plus one, or with four, often two couples together.
These are the words behind what swinging is, and the ones to settle together before any first swinger meet.
Who is who: the people words
Swinger
Someone who takes part in swinging. Dictionary.com defines a swinger as a person who swaps sexual partners, especially as a habit.
Play partner
A person or couple you play with more than once, on terms you have agreed. It means shared fun and trust, and nothing grander is promised.
Unicorn
A single person who plays with both people in a couple. The role can leave someone feeling like an accessory, so good couples treat a unicorn as an equal with limits of their own.
Bull
The man a couple invites to join them, most often in a hotwife arrangement.
Hotwife
A woman whose partner encourages her to be with other people and takes pride in it. The spirit is enjoyment and pride rather than humiliation.
Throuple
Three people in an ongoing arrangement together. That sets it apart from a threesome, which is a single occasion.
Couples hoping to meet a third will find more in how to find a third, and swinging couples is where couples meet couples.
Where it happens: the venue words
The lifestyle
The scene's own name for itself, sometimes "the alternative lifestyle". If you take part, you are in it.
On-premises club
A club with rooms or areas on site where couples can play, alone or with others.
Off-premises club
A club for dancing, drinks and conversation, with no space on site for play. Couples who click carry on elsewhere.
Party
An invitation night in a private home, hotel or hired venue, with a host, a guest list and house rules.
Theme night
A night with a dress code to match, from masks to all black.
Guest list
The list a host or venue checks at the door. If your name isn't on it, you are not going in.
The two main formats have a page each: swingers clubs and swingers parties.
Limits and manners: the house words
Hard limit
Something you will not do, whatever the mood. It is agreed beforehand and never up for negotiation.
Soft limit
Something you are unsure about and might try later, only if the moment feels right and you say yes.
Vanilla
Conventional. Swingers use it for people, plans or nights outside the lifestyle: a vanilla friend doesn't know about it, and a vanilla night is an ordinary one.
Check-in
A quiet word with your partner during the night to see whether you both still want to carry on.
Swinger etiquette shows how those limits turn into manners on the night.
The wider family: non-monogamy words
Psychologists use a few umbrella terms, and you will meet them in articles and on some profiles.
- Consensual non-monogamy. The umbrella for any arrangement where everyone agrees to more than one sexual or emotional connection. Swinging is one form of it.
- Open arrangement. Partners agree to see other people, often separately. Swingers usually play together.
- Polyamory. More than one ongoing emotional and sexual connection, all of it known. Swinging centres on shared fun, polyamory on the connections themselves.
How these fit together, and where cheating sits outside all of them, is set out in what is swinging.
Put the words on your profile and the right people find you
Your profile does the introductions before you say a word. "Couple, soft swap, same room" tells the right couples where they stand, while a vague one gets silence or the wrong kind of message.
The interests on offer include Soft Swap, Full Swap, Threesomes, Throuple, Clubs, Parties and Social Events. On VIP, members can filter by experience level and what people are open to, so the words you choose also decide who finds you.
- "Couple, first time, soft swap only, same room."
- "Single, relaxed, happy to be a guest at a party and follow a couple's lead."
- "Here for clubs and social nights. Hard limits respected, no pressure."
Our swinger profile tips go further on photos and wording, and the features page lists what each membership includes.
Still stuck on a word? Start here
What does unicorn mean in swinging?
A unicorn is a single person who plays with both people in a couple. The word is half joke, half warning: couples go hunting for one, and the person on the receiving end can end up feeling like an accessory. The fix is simple. Treat a unicorn as an equal guest, with wishes and limits of their own.
What is the difference between same room and separate room?
With same room, everyone stays together, so partners can see and hear each other. With separate room, each pair goes off to a space of its own. Couples pick according to comfort, and it is one of the details they agree beforehand, along with who and how far.
What does hotwife mean?
A hotwife is a woman whose partner encourages her to be with other people and takes pride in it. The arrangement is consensual, built on enjoyment and pride rather than humiliation, and the couple agree the details together. The man she plays with is often called the bull.
What does "the lifestyle" mean?
It is what swingers call their scene, and some say "the alternative lifestyle". Being in the lifestyle simply means you take part in swinging, whether that is a monthly club night, a few parties a year or a handful of couples you trust. There is no membership card.
Put the words to work
These pages lean on the vocabulary above, and every swinging guide sits in our guides section.
Learn the words, then meet the people who use them
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